Thought for the day

Wednesday 8th April

Hello

It’s sunny and cold again today. It won’t last.

I’m thinking about the roll shop.

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If you happen to live near a Scotmid or a Co-Op or a Scotmid Co-Op you’ll know that they do fine morning rolls (including the well fired). You’ll also know these are stored loose in baskets for customers to choose and bag themselves. I have a huge problem with that. So big that I can be seen hovering at the rolls, watching others techniques, witnessing their horrors before going in myself.

It’s The Roll Shop Selection Experience and it is driven by irrational fear and anxiety. .

Here are the five roll selection people I’m aware of.

1. The Reform Voter. A bare handed tear off what you want technique that must involve groping up several rolls before arriving at your choice. Due to the obvious hygiene issues this has led me to walking out the shop without purchase. I get what I want, fuck everyone else.

2. The Bureaucrat. Tongs and bags are introduced here. It’s important that the tongs are too small to tear or clamp a roll and that they have fallen on the floor at least once already that day. This approach whilst following the ‘please use tongs’ provided rule will result in disfigured rolls, droppages, heavy time consumption. Rules are rules though.

3. The Pragmatist. Bagging that spare hand allows you to pin down the rolls you want and tear off with the bag hand thus avoiding any skin to roll contact. This is intensive manual work so the buyer must get in amongst the rolls ensuring they breathe on them as they select their bounty. This is particularly difficult if ‘well fired’ rolls are on your shopping list.

4. The Charlatan. Reaching for the bag appears to show a genuine appreciation for the situation. The bagged handed searches everywhere like a hunting sock puppet. Once located the buyer uses their body as a human shield between the rolls and other customers before furtively tearing away their selection with a bare hand thinking I haven’t fucking noticed. They have an air of moral superiority and will have brought their own tote bag with them.

5. The Creative. This is what I do. It’s hideously complex and looks pretty stupid. I bag both hands so I look like a Deliveroo cyclist then go to work. The desired rolls are in the bagged right hand which now requires the bag to be turned inside out to capture the rolls. The bags nicely hold four rolls but I have six so space management is critical. Having somehow got six in there I flip over the left hand bag to create a double bagged roll shop. It’s vital that the two bags open at opposite ends to help achieve maximum freshness.

Is anyone else brave enough to share their technique? Perhaps you buy your rolls from a baker who chooses and bags them for you or you buy the shitty prepacked ones from Big Shops so this isn’t an issue for you.

Cheers

Keith